Depression is such a huge topic. Such an epic battle that I want to give it respect but at the same time want to disrespect the fuck out of it.
It's here, Winter. Every year I take the necessary steps for battle. Sign up for yoga. Eat smart. Take meds. Walk. Vitamin D. Make art. Take baths, drink tea, etc, etc. But this depression, MY depression creeps in no matter what. No matter how much armor I wear, it has enough armor to battle back. Depression makes me doubt my existence. Am I worth being here? The answer, because of this illness, is NO. I am not worth anything. Try as I might, on a daily basis, I truly, deeply cannot convince myself otherwise.
It's a battle I know is worth fighting. I appreciate life. The smallest leaf to the biggest leap - I believe it's all worth it. I fight to respect my existence and adore everything else that exists. I still have to find my place in all of it.
Sometimes the chemicals in my brain make it difficult to love. Love life, love people, love myself. It's as if my true self gets hijacked by evil, and there is nothing to discourage this being. It is simply bigger and stronger than I am.
So this painting, this portrait, is about the burden and mystery of depression. Depression is not necessarily seen but felt very deeply on intense levels. Depression is "unseen" in so many ways.
Shamed, hidden, mysterious, unsolvable and dismissable.
I have never thought that my paintings could stand on their own. I have always felt like they needed something to make them better or more unique than they are. Painting and drawing has never been a major in my life. Let me re-phrase. They have always been a consistent friend but technically I have never studied painting or drawing in depth. I never felt like I was good enough.
But today, for some reason today, I am looking at this painting and feeling like, "Why can't THIS just be enough?". It's as if I've been covering up my previous attempts at painting by turning them into a sculpture, or furniture, or a greeting card. Let me note that this painting is not a significant painting. My life was not significantly altered by making it. It's pretty damn simple. But it's the simplicity that is making me want to leave it alone and not "doctor" it to be something more than what it is.
Sometimes, this is how I paint. Sometimes, this is what it looks like. And this time, it is naked.
With love, Cristina
I've been casting objects in shadow boxes. Which is not a new idea. It's actually a 15 year old for idea for me, that I never got around to. So, it's a new technique of using resin for me and man, I have to tell you there is a pretty big learning curve here. My first attempt, after following the directions on the label, almost started a fire. No shit. The thing started sizzling and smoking it got so hot. (Decrease catalyst!) My second attempt the resin cracked because of the heat. (Decrease catalyst again!) My third never cured. (Increase catalyst!) And fourth and fifth and so on and so on until I've used the whole gallon of very expensive resin. Enter Anger. Enter Fear. Enter Sadness. Process and materials in art are part of the allure to me. I love figuring it out, for awhile.
So, I switch gears for a bit. I relax my resin anxiety by making my own wooden boxes. I go to the Portland Tool Library and get me a compound miter saw. Big girl. Easy. I'll just throw together a few mitered boxes! NO. Not easy, even for a retired woodworker! Is my wood warped? Is the blade warped? Did I wiggle too much during the cut? Did I forget to measure the kerf of the blade? Is 45º not really true? Enter Anger. Enter Fear. Enter Sadness.
Some days, we are just supposed to do something else. 🍷
These are the four shadow boxes that worked. (!!!)
Years ago during an employee review I was told that some of my co-workers wanted me to "loosen up". I'm still not quite sure what that entails. As a shy and quiet person I am often shocked at how these qualities are misinterpreted as inferior, cold, bitchy and careless. I am a pretty easy going person that has a high work ethic. Also a funny person, even charming I'd say. But I am never a relaxed person, whether it shows or not. And this is what I believe my dear co-workers were referring to.
I didn't pay attention to my critique at work. However, I did notice how and where in my life I hold back. It turns out I hold back almost everywhere. So this month is all about letting go, letting things happen as they will, enjoying the process and the dreaded words "loosening up". It has made some magical things occur and I have definitely found new ways to process emotions. Cheers to shitty corporate employee reviews!
Process. There are so many times in the design and creation of Art that inspire me. When wood gets laser cut it needs a protective layer of sticky paper in order for the wood not to get burnt. When the product is finished, you have to peel off the layer of paper on each one. I love this point in the process because not only does it reveal the natural wood underneath but also leaves behind a skeleton of fragile paper. Which I hoard. Don't be surprised if they show up in another piece of artwork!
Today I keep thinking about how to make my life better. Not that it's bad, but it can always be better. This year I want to focus on the things I can change, instead of trying to change things that are out of my control. I do have control over my state of mind. Always, I have this power. And there are always going to be forces that test that power - pulling me away from my centered, authentic self. But I have tools to fight back with. I have art. I have music. I have a small dog.
And then there is nature. Mysteriously elusive whether it's in front of my eyes, behind a microscope, living, decaying, kept or wild. It is everywhere trying to teach me, if I listen. For 2018 I would like to listen and honor the nature of these things. I have the tools to make my state of mind a happy and peaceful place. So listen. Make more art. Make more music. Float in more waters. Keep my mind moving towards things that MOVE me. Be moved.
Also, I just really want a hot tub.
Below: New wood and resin earrings - made by listening and honoring what was inside.
I know it may look like I am selling bottles of wine with my artwork on them. But I'm not, I was just having fun with photoshop. However, I would love to do something like that. Also, visit my work through November at Mt. Tabor Fine Wines!
I feel like I'm in between. There was a tavern in my home town called the In Between and I remember specifically never wanting to go there. Why would anyone want to be "in between"? It sounds like a horrible place to be. But it is a very familiar feeling now. And now, if I were in my home town it sounds like just the place for me. Do you know Neil Diamond? I do. I mean, do you know him well enough to know this song? It has some of my very favorite lyrics.
"I am"... I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am"... I cried
"I am"... said I
And I am lost and I can't
Even say why
Thank You Thank You Thank You Cards! Original watercolors in the printing phase now for notecards! Super cute and fun for me! Ill keep you posted on where to buy.
I am excited and honored to work with four other female artists of the Pacific Northwest. We are Meteor Craft Operative. Designed to showcase our work, teach workshops, and create a community for makers to share their ideas and work. Friday June 2nd, 2017 is our Launch Party where you can come see or purchase our work and hang out. Please join us!
5709 NE Fremont St
Visit us on Facebook and Instagram
Welcome. Here is where we can hang out casually. I can show you new work, talk about my process, blah, blah, blah. You can can say nice things!